Monday, September 28, 2009

Corporate Downsizing


Today I heard a sad story.

A person who I don't know, yet went out and drank a few beers for tonight is getting his job downsized. I don't even remember his name, but I feel bad for this dude. I asked him what he was planning on doing, and he mentioned something about moving to the Yukon or something and delivering milk. I almost chuckled...... until I realized this guy was dead fucking serious. I'm happy for him, I'm sure there is nothing more liberating than delivering a healthy dose of Vitamin D to the locals. I think they use dogsleds up there to get places, so I'm sure it must be pretty fucking cool.

A few more things. (I've had a few beers so if i mis-spell shit don't get all grammar natzi on me ok? Thanks.) So since day one of training the guy who sits ahead of me and myself (it makes sense to me right now so go with it) have watched the gigantic ass spider that sits outside of our window kill everything in sight. We decided that the only fitting name for him would be Killer. Killer kills shit and that's the end of the story. Well last week it rained out, and we noticed there was another spider on the block, which is like twice as big as killer, so naturally we named this one beast. Beast trumps killer. Well after said rainstorm beast was no where to be found, this was like last fucking thursday(why is mozilla telling me thursday is spelled wrong?)or some shit, but Josh was like seriously distrought. Like seriously. Well today the clouds started to form over the DDC and Josh got all googly eyed and excited hoping for a re-appearance of beast. The trainer who was showing us how to do our jobs was going on about something important and all the sudden I get chatted.

Me: "Awesome thats a big bitch, I'm gonna squish it."
Josh: /sadface

Ugh going back and reading that it's not very funny, but it happened today so whatever. Today was the most in-depth day of training yet. It was pretty fucking sweet, I felt kinda at home working the various different programs we'll be using on a daily basis........... Until I decided I'd follow along with the instructor who was handling a real time ticket. He puts the ticket through real time talks about it for a few, and I was like.....

Me: Uh........ dude I think I just duplicated what you were doing.

Trainer: (I'm not gonna use his name right now because I don't know how he'd feel about it so just fucking go with me) Lol, I don't think you can, you are on a demo account, don't worry bout it.

Josh: (who's better than I am right now and that pisses me off) you can't dude I already tried it.

Me: Uh... well it says right here that the process went through.

Trainer: No way lemme check it out.
(a minute goes by and I'm uncomfortable)
Trainer: Well holy shit, it looks like you did do it real time. Isn't that something.
(now it's getting hot in here because I think I fucked up royal)
Trainer: Don't worry bout it I'm sure we can fix it. Lets keep moving.
(wow seriously? I just fucked something up and it's no big deal?)

Ten minutes later trainer goes for a walk and i get this...

Perks: So I heard you are fucking shit up already?
Me: Hah, um what happens in training stays in training?
Perks: lol

Thats how it went, I don't remember much more but I think it was kinda cool how it was no big deal, at my old job people would be jumping down my throat bitching about something that could be fixed and was no big deal, but in CT people love to bitch.

Also today we took a quiz, and how come it's like every single time I don't know the answer to a question I get called on? Seriously this quiz had 14 questions on it and there was one answer I didn't know, and lo and behold, Trainer guy(who i think needs to be named Bicycle Rager because this dude seriously gets gnarly on his mountain bike) call on me for number four. DAMN IT WHY? I hate feeling stupid, and any other of the 13 questions I could have answered correctly but stupid question four.... I hate you. What a mixed day of emotions.

Oh one last note, last night Perks decided to flip the box that the Notorious G E R T sits in upside down. Josh renamed it the Fortress of Gertitude. Which I think is fucking awesome. Mom if you are reading this sorry I swore so much.

Oh yeah peep this

Thats Gert, in her fortress. Don't fuck with her because she hates you.

A few late edits. I had to switch around the brains behind the box flip and the Fort naming, because I had them in reverse order. Also I feel I need to clarify that there are two people named Josh. One is the roomate(why is mozilla telling me this is spelled wrong too? WTF?) and the other is in training with me.

So yeah training Josh and I play pingpong/basketball on our breaks. Today he swept me and made me his bitch in pingpong. I don't even want to discuss the final scores. Two of the games I didn't break the double digits, but I am working on my game as we speak. Brainstorming on how to fend off his angry serves. I did have a 3 second Asian moment today, a scathing backhand return that hit the table so hard and so fast the ball exploded and left a burn mark. Even Josh was like wow dude, that was pretty sweet like a mini firework. I then spent the rest of the game trying to duplicate those three seconds, which I failed miserably. But for three seconds today I was at the top of Mount Fucking Awesome. (A place I frequent.) I am starting to like the taste of LongTrails and Magic Hat #9's, which is sweet because thats all everyone drinks up here. I did however try a Switchback today, which the milkman kindly described as having a nutty flavor......which turned me off right away, who wants a beer that tastes like nuts?

Shit I need to accomplish soon: Go back home and move stuff out of my old apartment, make a dentists appointment, go to Jeremy's wedding in Bahston, pass my test on friday, laundry, buy a new pair of jeans (I am picky like a girl when it comes to jeans) and also ride a unicorn in a wizard hat and cape to work.

I also use wayyyyyyyyyy too many commas, whatever.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Weekend Festivities and Broken Teeth


I must say my first real Saturday in Burlington was a rather interesting one. It all started waking up around 11 and being a bum for a while, which means sitting on the couch watching TV sports until I decided it was time to do some shopping.

Enter Wiliston Walmart..... Now Matt aka Perks(which is what he will be referred to from here on out) says as we shut the doors to my car....

Perks:"Have you ever been to the Waterbury Walmart?"
Me: "Yeah, it's a real shit hole."
Perks: "Hahah, you are in for a treat today my friend."

As I walked through the sliding doors I'm greeted by a Ninja, which Perks later tells me that some sort of refugees have taken root in upper Vermont from their crazy government, but I still like to think they look like Ninjas with their colorful kung-fu looking get ups. About ten more steps in I pass by a woman with a gnarly ass mullet, and i mean like Achy Breaky Heart style mullet, lines shaved into the sides and everything. All kinds of characters in this joint man, everywhere I looked I was greeted by gap tooth smiles and overalls. I really thought I had stepped into a new dimension, yet it seems this is the norm up here.

All right, so onto the shopping. This Walmart has the smallest fucking isles I have ever walked down. Now imagine being confined into these tiny little isles with the rest of Vermont's finest..... Needless to say I decided to call it after about 20 minutes, and ended up getting about half of the items I intended to get. One of those being the new Orbit Mist gum, but we'll get back to that shit in a few.

So we leave and Perks tells me we have to be at Nectar's at 4pm. Little did I know, the bar Nectars serves chicken wings, and when the Yanks play the Socks the wings are free. Yes I said free wings. I mean the only thing better than free wings is 2.00 Vermont drafts. Well guess what, free wings and 2.00 Long Trails, Otter Creeks, and Magic Hat #9's. Man that was an awesome four hours of my life, not to mention that the Yanks won which made the day even better. Well while we were enjoying a few cold ones, and a few hot ones, a friend of ours mentions that there is a small beer pong happening at a basement near us and that we should stop over. So we head home real quick, get fresh and roll out.

Perks and I start first on the table and I'm cold, I can't hit a cup to save my life meanwhile so I tell Perks to let me drink the first three cups the other team makes. Well whattaya know? I drain my next seven shots in a row and the last cup. We go on to take the next three teams out and lose our final game on the last cup, because Perks couldn't hit the broad side of a barn by then. No big deal, we made a name for ourselves and our showing was more than dominant. Well we called a cab around 10:30 and were on our way downtown by 10:45. (Be smart kiddies, don't drink and drive, drink and let someone else drive for you)

Well we arrive downtown Burlington and we head to RiRa's (one of the finer local watering holes mixed with drunk college chicks and weird dudes with cassette players in their pockets jamming out while a live band is playing) and I'm feeling warmed up already so we grab a few beers. Perks gets hit on by a pretty chick, and he just lets her walk away so I try to lecture him on capturing every opportunity and he says shut up don't worry. Well, for some reason I decide that I need to pop in a piece of that new Orbit gum, while drinking beer, god only knows why, but I did. So I'm chewin gum, drinkin beer, chewin gum and all the sudden there is something hard and crunchy in my gum. I'm all like wtf? I spit the gum into my hand and....

Me: "Oh shit, my tooth just broke"
Perks: "Really? Wtf? You cool?"
Josh: "Now thats pretty strange, why are you chewing gum while drinking beer?"
Me: "I dunno, I need another beer though."

Flash forward an hour or so and we've drank our fair share of beers and we decide to meander on into RedSquare. For those of you who aren't from Burlington, RedSquare is where the cool trendy kids go, people in tuxedos and shit, girls in prom dresses and what not, yeah that kinda place. So the crowd sucks, my money is nearing it's end and I'm bored out of my mind. So I decide to walk outside and see whats going on with the general public.... So I walk outside and it's raining, so rather than interact with all the street lurkers, I turn tail to head back inside and the bouncer is like sorry dude, you gotta get back in line. I've got to get back in line? I paid your cover and you wrote a GIGANTIC R on my hand, and now I've got to stand in line to get back in this bitch? Not happening.

So I stumble over to the shish kabab stand because it smelled awesome and had an awning I could stand under. Oh did I mention a hot chick works there? Yeah a hot chick serving meat on a stick, sounds like another win win situation. So we banter back and forth and I swear I'm ordering a taco (yeah I'm a few beers deep now) and all the sudden Perks walks up from behind and is like dude what are you doing? And of course I tell him how I'm getting a taco blah blah blah and he's like man lets get outta here it's raining and it's like 1:30. I agree, but for some reason we went back into RiRa's, I think he had to hit the head or something and thats where the rest of the night is lost. I know we took a cab home, and I know for some reason I have no money left. When both Josh and Matt wake up I question them on the rest of the evening's activities and no one can seem to recall them. A good night indeed.

Back to the tooth. Man this shit sucks. It's razor sharp and is digging into the side of my tongue (wow I thought it was spelled tounge, but firefox is telling me differently) so I decide to mess with it and i manage to break the small jagged part off, relieving a little bit of my pain, but not all of it. Then I somehow remembered I think it was my dad having a broken tooth and filing it down, so I decide that's what I'm going to do. Apparently I'm crazy because both Josh and Perks looked at me sideways, but I decided to just power through it. So now I'm sitting on the couch, with a nail file in my mouth slowly grinding the sharp jagged edge of this tooth down to a smooth stub. Dental kicks in Oct 1st, which can't come soon enough.

All in all an awesome weekend, BluePrint 3 and Only Built for Cuban Links 2 two new cd's I picked up, and man are they sick.

Tell next time suckas, chew on this.