Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Cuts, Scabs, Scars, life changing decisions and the pursuit of happiness

Wow another one? Jeez no updates for like two months then two in two days? Shut up already, no one likes condescending assholes. Well maybe sometimes, but there is a time and place, and here and now is not one of them. Also, I don't think there will be any pictures accompanying this update, so if you are someone who doesn't read and just looks for the pictures, you might want to just keep it moving.

I'm 28 years old. I once used to think that was ancient. I once used to tease those older than me about how old they were, until I realized that I myself am now old. Now I know you old timers who rode dinosaurs to school barefooted in the snow 10 miles both ways might still consider me a snot nosed whipper snapper, but bare with me. Lately I've been looking at pictures of myself and I am noticing that I am getting older. A wrinkle in the forehead here, maybe my head might be a hair or two thinner than it had once been, and maybe a gray hair or two might have been discovered, but it's strange how I still don't consider myself old. In my 28 years I guess you could say I've been through a lot. I've learned many a life lesson and I feel that I've got enough scars to prove my worth to people who might tend to doubt me, both mental and physical. It's funny how something that can stick out like a sore thumb to someone is something I wouldn't even notice about myself.

For instance, ten years ago (holy shit ten years ago now, nearly a third of my life) I got into a pretty bad car accident, one of the injuries I took away from that accident was a lacerated spleen. One of my many souvenirs from that car accident is a six inch scar running from just above my belly button to pretty much my sternum. This is quite the scar, if I remember correctly it took 26 staples to close that scar and it's something that I've pretty much come to grips with and forgot about. In fact it's something that I don't even think about anymore, yet when someone catches sight if it they are completely taken aback. It's funny to me how something that can seem so severe to someone could be just a passing thought to me. I don't even notice the scar, when I shower, when I get dressed it's not something that I think back and dwell on, but it's something I'll carry with me until the day I die. Along my 28 years in this world I have picked up my fair share of scars, I can list them all off but I'm sure many of you would A. get bored and skip the list or b. have some kinda weird fetish and ask me to see them all (I used to laugh when people said chicks dig scars, until I found out it was true, and it kind of weirds me out now) but I am willing to bet I'm in worse working condition than most of you. Now I've plenty of physical scars, but what about mental scars?

A mental scar? Yeah it's something I've been thinking about lately and as I reflect I realize I am carrying quite a bit of baggage with me. But how does one acquire a mental scar? Well to me it's the emotions that we all carry with us, how many times have those emotions let us down, how many times have we suffered fresh cuts for our decisions, and as those cuts start to fade and scab, how many more times do we go back and pick that scab? Pick a scab too many times and you have a scar. I'm a picker. I'm a sucker. I'm stubborn and I have a very difficult time giving up on things. Even when I know that I should not pick that scab, because all it's going to do is hurt for a little bit, maybe bleed a little bit and then go back to being a scab, I still do so. I've recently picked a scab that I thought was just another scar, and it's left me confused and questioning myself. Strange how something you have completely forgotten can manage to come back and cause you pain because you picked that scab again, when you had told yourself that the last time was the last time. I guess thats human nature, many times people can't justify the decisions they've made, and many times they regret them, but as long as there is some kind of glimmering light of hope at the end of the tunnel that person would pick that scab again. How many times can you do that before that cut becomes a scar? How long do you keep that cut before it's something you no longer think about? How long before you don't notice that scar when you look in the mirror getting dressed in the morning? I wish I knew.

Ok now that shit didn't make much sense to me and I'll more than likely erase most of it, but whatever it's just what I was thinking. Moving on to the life changing decisions. Well they aren't so grandiose, mostly it's just me deciding that I want to be more conscious about my health, and at the same time I want to get out and enjoy the great out doors more. What better place to do that than in Vermont? Winter has been great, I've been snowboarding a lot, my legs feel strong. The gym at work is a blessing, there is NO excuse for me to not head up there after my shift. I feel guilty when I think about going home instead of heading up there. So i go up there, pump some music and put in work. I get a good lift in, but not nearly enough cardio, and thats why I am looking forward to this summer. I plan on purchasing a legit mountain bike, like one of those bikes dudes get gnarly on and I'm going to ride some mountains. I'm also going to buy a boat. I had brought up the idea to a few friends about building a Tom Sawyer like raft, and I have come to the conclusion that I need to scrap that idea. So I think I am going to get a kayak. I'm excited for this coming summer, I'm not going to let any more opportunities pass me by. I'm going to go to the lake, hang out on the beach (most of you who know me should be shocked by this, knowing full well how much I hate the beach) I'm not going to sit inside playing stupid video games and wasting my life away. For too long I was addicted (yes I'll admit it I was hooked on playing final fantasy 11) to a video game. Often times shunning friends and people I really cared about to fight imaginary dragons in hopes of getting a sword that will help me kill more imaginary dragons. It practically destroyed a relationship with someone who I really deeply cared about, and it made me miss out on plenty of good times. Now don't get me wrong, I met many great people during that five years of my life, but looking back I wish I could have gotten those five years back, I wish I had never installed that stupid game onto my playstation, but oh well the past is the past there is no point in dwelling upon it. Yeah I miss it, and I almost let myself get sucked in again, but I can honestly say I'm done. I've learned my lesson. The problem with online games is that there is no ending. It can keep it's hooks in you because there is always something bigger and better to accomplish, and I'm thankful that I finally decided enough is enough. I'm actually looking forward to this summer, it will be the first one in a few years I won't spend my weekend couped up in my room playing video games. Who knows, my pastey white ass might even catch a tan! (more than likely I'll just burn, but I'm going to see what I can do)

Again I can't express to like the four of you people who actually read this about how happy I am to be here in Vermont. Nothing like a fresh new start in an amazing new place. I'm going to keep working hard, pursuing my own personal happiness, I'm going to try to let the cuts I have turn into scars that I no longer think about, I'm going to try to live everyday to it's fullest. While others may consider me old, I still feel like a kid (and I'm sure I act the part fairly well lol) the kid in me is going to make sure I have fun this coming year, but the man in me is going to make sure I take care of myself and my duties as a man.

Funny, I'm thinking about it right now. The kid in me is upset my father didn't call me again this year for my birthday, yet the man in me just realizes how lucky I am to have a mother that cares enough for me to make up for that. The kid in me wants to be mad, yet the man in me realizes the kind of person he is and that I should just accept it. It's like one of those scabs, only gets picked once a year, but I don't ever think it will become a scar. I guess some cuts just won't heal no matter how much time you give them.


  1. stop picking those scabs otherwise you will be one big oozy mess
    let them heal let them scar
    as for your father you are correct-its who he is always was-always will be and i am sorry for that
    shall i go kick him for you-yes i think so ;D

  2. Pick em till they bleed son. I will go toe to toe with you and your physical and mental scars man, the physical ones heal.. those mental ones have a way of kicking you when yer down. Don't let them do that to you, too often. Funny man I played CS for years, destroyed a relationship at the time that I thought I would be in forever. Almost died, lost another relationship when I get better, found friends in WoW.. ya WoW. I feel ya on the getting healthier, starting that myself. Not giving up on MW2 though fucker. One of these days we should grab a beer. or You can I'll have a soda and a pill, and we can swap some stories. I was once told I should sit down and write a book. A lot of my past I am not proud of, and I hurt a lot of people in the process. It made me who I am today.. believe it or not its an improvement. Glad to have you in vermont man, good to call ya a friend.

  3. did you ever think you could be so strong?
    its the beginning of a brand new day~


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